Borrowed Time
by storry-eyed
Summary: Instead of walking away, Caspian jumps after Susan. After three days spent with him, Susan must make the hardest decision of her life. Will she keep Caspian with her, or will she be strong enough to send him back to Narnia? Movieverse, slightly AU.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **This is the first chapter of what was supposed to be a one-shot, but turned into a four-chapter fic. It was edited by my wonderful cousin, Whispi (even though she's not an official beta). A million thanks, because this would not be nearly so good without your help!

**Summary: **Instead of just walking away, Caspian jumps through the trees after Susan. After three days of paradise spent with him, Susan must make the hardest decision of her life. Will she keep Caspian with her forever, or will she be strong enough to send him back to where he belongs?

**Disclaimer: **No characters, places, names, or anything else you recognize belongs to me. Everything belongs to C. S. Lewis and Disney.

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_The end is near, I feel it dear  
__But I am not afraid_

_Step, step right over the line  
__And onto borrowed time  
__When it's life, not waiting to die  
__Waiting to divide, to divide_

~ _Borrowed Time_, A Fine Frenzy

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My name is Susan Pevensie, and I'm a realist. That's one of the reasons why switching back and forth from London, the real world, to Narnia is so hard for me. Narnia isn't real, not exactly, and when I have to live there like it's reality, then turn around and live in London again like _that's_ reality, it throws me off and makes me angry. I also don't like to dream about things that won't come true, because that just doesn't make sense to me. Dreaming and sighing won't ever make anything happen – I've learned that the hard way.

I also never lie to myself, at least, not up until I met Caspian. Then I started lying and pretending every day. But after the last big battle, a few days ago, I realized it wasn't going to work and I finally stopped ignoring what was going on. I admitted the truth to myself for the first time - I'm in love with Prince Caspian. Not just a "schoolgirl's crush" type of love, either, a different kind of love, one that fills my whole heart and would take over my body forever if I would let it. But I know that we can never be together, and so I don't let it take over. Dreaming only makes the hurt worse, like Lucy's dreaming about returning to Narnia is going to make what she's about to hear all the more awful.

Even after everything that's happened, I still can't believe we're really leaving – again. At least we got some forewarning this time – I cope much better when I know what's going to happen. I don't like surprises. Like the one of which I'm about to tell Caspian.

At this point, I realize I've been daydreaming, and I pull myself back into the real world. I feel Peter's eyes on me, and I turn to look at him. From what I can gather, the Telmarines have just gone through the trees, and the others are upset. I can see in his eyes what he's about to do, and I can't stop him.

"We'll go," says Peter, stepping forward.

"We will?" Edmund asks immediately, sounding incredulous.

"Come on," Peter says, both sadness and resolve on his face. "Time's up." He turns to Caspian and hands him his sword, the one he got from St. Nicholas the first time we ever entered Narnia.

"I will look after it until you return." It's Caspian's voice, of course. He thinks we're coming back again, like we did before. I don't know if I want him to know the truth or if I just want to leave and let him wonder and hope for the rest of his life.

I feel Aslan's great eyes upon me, and I know I can't keep silent any longer no matter what my personal feelings are. The waiting is starting to get to me anyway; at this point I think I'd rather everyone just know. "I'm afraid that's just it," I say, my voice louder than I mean to make it. "We're not coming back." At long last, my eyes lock with Caspian's and I can see him realize what my words mean.

Lucy breaks our moment, giving me an excuse to look down at her and away from Caspian's dark eyes. "We're not?" she asks, sounding confusedly upset.

"You two are – at least, I think he means you two," explains Peter gently. Lucy's brow furrows, her mouth starting to crumple inwards. "But why? Did they do something wrong?" She asks worriedly, turning to Aslan.

"Quite the opposite, dear one," says Aslan, "but all things have their time." I feel a stab of anger towards him for making me leave but not the others, followed almost instantly by one of shame. I understand why; I don't have to like it. It will make my life easier, because now I can forget about Narnia and not worry anymore. I shouldn't be upset – this is all I've ever wanted – but strangely enough, I am.

"Your brother and sister have learned all they can from this world," Aslan explains. "Now it is time for them to live in their own."

_Learned all I can from this world_, I repeat to myself. This world hasn't taught me anything. I never even wanted to come here in the first place! All that I've gotten out of this experience is a wish that will never come true – the wish to live here forever. But after today, that won't ever happen. And Narnia, and going back and forth from it to London, have reinforced the fact that I can't stand change, or uncertainty, or surprises, or anything like that. Narnia throws me off, pushes me off my feet and off kilter. I don't like Narnia. So if that's what "learned all I can from this world" means, then I guess I can leave with a free conscience.

"It's alright, Lu," Peter tries to comfort her as he always does. _Why isn't anyone comforting me_, I ask silently and plaintively, before kicking myself – I'm a grown-up girl and I don't need someone to hold my hand. I can take care of myself. "It's not how I thought it would be. It's all right. One day you'll see, too." He pauses, turns halfway to me, and then turns back. "Come on," he says, and starts to walk away. I fall into line last, as we say goodbye to all the friends we have made this visit, except one.

"It's time," says Aslan, and my heart jumps. Where did the time go? All of a sudden it hits me, that I'm leaving and not coming back, _ever_. It feels like I've suddenly wasted my whole life. So many things that I've wanted to say, and do, and now I never can. The finality of this is staggering. I'm never going to see Caspian again.

Peter moves towards the tree, Lucy and Edmund following him to end up in a line, with a place left beside Peter for me. I start to move towards it, then turn. I want to close out this part of my life firmly, shut the door and not leave any chinks for light to show through. If I'm never coming back here, I need to forget, to move on completely. I look at Caspian, and everything suddenly seems so overwhelming that I don't know where to start. "I'm glad I came back," I begin hesitantly.

I'm startled to realize that we've never really talked about this, about our feelings for each other. My feelings seemed so plain to me from the first battle that I guess I never wondered if he felt the same way about me. I know I love him, but suddenly I'm not so sure about his feelings for me. And since I'm leaving forever, I guess there's no real harm in asking.

"I wish we had more time together," he responds instantly, and I scramble to get my thoughts back in order.

I have to answer, but I feel the need to be sly, in an effort to cover up my own pain which is curling in my chest. "You know," I say coyly, taking a few steps towards him, "it never would have worked anyways." I try to sound nonchalant, but my heart is thumping inside my chest. So much is riding on his answer.

Since when did I depend on others for peace of mind, security, and confidence? I've always depended on myself, counting on me totally and fully for everything I needed. It's partly because of my previous time in Narnia, since I did grow up while I was here before, but for the most part it's just fundamentally a part of who I am. But now, all of a sudden, nothing matters more than the answer to my question: Does Caspian love me or not?

The answer comes almost immediately. He is genuinely confused, taking a small step towards me, and to my delight, speaks the words with the meaning that I've longed to hear, "Why not?"

"I am thirteen hundred years older than you," I say gently, all pretending gone. This was never going to work out and he needs to know it.

His eyes widen slightly, then a small smile appears at the corner of his mouth and he lets out a breath that could have been a small laugh. A small smile appears on mine, and, confident that we understand each other and I can go, I turn away to walk to my family, leaving forever.

But as I turn, I feel my heart beginning to break. With each step I take, my feet feel heavier and heavier. My breath comes shorter and faster. What is wrong with me?

My steps slow, then stop altogether. Before I can think through my actions, I turn and walk to his side, moving quickly in case someone tries to stop me. In one fluid movement, I stop before him, turn to face him head on, lift a hand and place it on the back of his neck, reach up, and press my lips against his.

His lips are still at first in his surprise, but they quickly soften. They caress mine as gently as his hand presses against the small of my back. The pressure, so light at first, becomes greater, and I respond, my lips opening slightly as I drink in every inch of him.

As though from far away I can hear gasps from the crowd, and a part of my brain realizes that it's shocking for them to see their Telmarine prince, their new king, kissing someone unusual like me. Usually that would bother me, but at the moment I can't care. I'm completely focused on the kiss, not wanting to miss a second. This is the only one we'll ever have, and I want to make it count.

After what seems like both a second and a lifetime, we both pull back at the same time, and look into each other's eyes. His are full of wonder, but shadowed. I imagine mine look much the same, except I'm afraid they might look a little shinier than usual. And then in the same movement we move towards each other again and hug as tightly as we can, putting all our emotions, feelings, and unspoken words into this embrace that somehow feels even more meaningful and lasting than the kiss.

Finally, I pull away. Neither of us speak – everything we feel has already been said without words. Our eyes lock for one last, breathless, endless second before I turn and face my brothers and sister. Peter looks sad and understanding in his big-brotherly way, but also a little like he wants to laugh, a combination that would usually make me annoyed, but right now I'm concentrating too hard on not crying to be angry at him. Edmund looks grossed out, which doesn't surprise me, and Lucy just looks slightly amazed. I can't help but feel the same way myself. I slide into the line between Peter and Lucy, who squeezes my hand. I look down and try to smile a little, for her sake.

I don't look at Caspian again. I'm too afraid that if I do, I will run back to him and never leave. And I don't want to do that, because I'm so tired of switching back and forth between worlds that I decide I'm glad to be going back. I'm glad I'll never see him again. I can leave him in a special place in my heart, a place set aside for a first love, and move on. Everything will work out for the best and I feel selfishly relieved that this decision is out of my hands. Usually I like to decide things for myself, but not this time. This time I can't bear it.

And then, after dreading and hoping and waiting, it's over. I didn't know what I was expecting, walking through trees off a cliff, but it's a lot easier than I thought it would be. It was literally as though we walked through the tree, onto the train platform, like stepping through a doorway. Here we are, standing in a row, just as we had been when the magic of my horn had pulled us to Narnia all that time ago.

We all look sideways at each other, and I smile in part relief, part – I don't even know what. My lips tremble. I've never felt this unsure, this unsettled. The train pulls up to the platform in a rush of wind and sound, but just as Peter is about to speak, someone else beats him to it.

It's the boy I had forgotten about, with the glasses. "Aren't you coming, Phyllis?" he asks.

After looking at my family (the boys look confused, but Lucy's laughing; she clearly remembers the conversation by the newspaper and magazine stand), there's a scramble for our luggage, and then we all step forward onto the train. I can't help but feel tiredly amused. From Prince Caspian to this? Will my life ever cease to surprise me?

My answer to that comes much faster than I would have wished. And of course, I want to take back my words the moment it does.

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Reviews are greatly appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I still own nothing and am making no money from this story.

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The doors haven't even started to close before Edmund speaks, startling the rest of us out of our reveres. "Do you think there's any way we could get back?" We all turn to look at him, obviously confused. The boy with the glasses – I don't know his name – is looking too.

Starting to laugh, Edmund explains: "I left my only torch in Narnia!"

The sheer absurdity of it – no one else knows what we're talking about, not to mention the fact that one can buy a flashlight anywhere in London – sends us all into fits of laughter, which for me is in danger of turning into hysterics. I struggle to get a hold of myself, to keep it together for everyone's sake.

As the doors close, I manage to peer out of them one last time, to see the bench upon which my life rocked on its foundations once again. As the train starts to move, someone suddenly appears there, as though out of thin air, his hand stretched out as though he was trying to grab something just out of his reach. I recognize him immediately, but I can't comprehend it. How in the world… His eyes immediately find my face, and I know he's recognized me, too.

I see his mouth form my name in a shout – "Susan!" – and without thinking, I take a lunging step forward, jerking my hand up to meet his. Of all the things I could have noticed about him, I see that he's carrying Edmund's flashlight.

_Caspian_, I whisper. I don't know whether to scream, cry, or laugh. What in the world is he doing here? He belongs in Narnia, for Aslan's sake! Horror begins to seep through my body as I realize what's happened. He's a TELMARINE PRINCE! He can't live in LONDON! And I thought that by leaving forever, I would be free of things like this. _Will Narnia never leave me alone?_

I feel a hand on my arm. Turning, I see Peter. "Susan? What's wrong?" he asks me, frowning. I look wildly for Lucy and Edmund, but they're off looking for seats.

"Susan, calm down," says Peter, looking concerned. "What's the problem? It doesn't matter that Edmund's flashlight is in Narnia, you know. We'll buy him a new one, and when he goes back I'm sure Caspian will have taken care of it and will give it back to him right away."

"The issue," I hiss at him, "is that his flashlight isn't exactly there anymore!"

Before I can say anything else, Glasses buts in. "Excuse me for interrupting, but who's Caspian? What's Narnia? And who was that strange man that just appeared on the platform with a torch and weird clothes just as the train was leaving?"

Peter swings around to look at me, a frown on his face. Obviously he's heard what the boy with the glasses just said, and he also noticed my weird reaction as the doors closed. We both know who was on that platform. "Susan…" his voice trails off. He swallows and tries again. "Susan, was that… did you see… I mean… on the platform… Caspian?" he finally bursts out. I can only nod. My brain seems to be working very slowly.

Peter freezes for a second, looking horrified, before taking a deep breath. "Susan, don't move from this spot, OK? I'm going to find Edmund and Lucy and bring them back here." He charges off, pushing past people who shoot him dirty looks.

"Peter, what's going on?" Edmund is saying as he, Lucy and Peter come pushing back through the crowds. "Susan, what's happening? All Peter said was that something bad had happened, and he needed us to come back right away, and that we would probably be getting off the train."

"Susan, what's wrong?" Lucy asks me, a frown on her face as well, speaking over Edmund. She comes to stand beside me, looking up at me worriedly. I must look terrible – she usually teases me constantly, but not now.

Peter takes a deep breath. "Lu, Ed, Susan saw… well, she thinks she saw Caspian on the train platform."

There's a short silence. Then I speak up, using Lucy's words from what feels like a lifetime ago. "I didn't think I saw him, I did see him!" I feel like her I'm age again, and for a split second I wish I was. Life was so much easier when I was eleven.

"Well, Susan, I believe you," Lucy tells me, glancing over at Peter in a challenging glare. When Lucy wants to, she can look quite intimidating. I feel a rush of gratitude for her instant support. Sometimes I forget how much I love my sister.

"So do I." Edmund speaks quietly. "I've had enough experience with not believing people, thanks very much. If Susan says she saw him, she saw him."

We all three turn to look at Peter, who sighs deeply. "Alright. I agree, he really is here. That kid with the glasses saw him too, and he has your torch, Edmund."

"Well, thank goodness for that. It must be the only reason he jumped through, to give that back to me, hm, Susan?" he says, voice turning sarcastic as he looks at me. I blush dark red and open my mouth to retort with something scathing, but out comes…

Nothing. I can't think of anything to say, anything to tell him that would make him feel bad. This is perhaps the scariest thing that has happened to me so far. I've always been the sarcastic one, the one who will shoot something stinging back at any insult and win the battle. But now, I can't come up with a single thing to say.

I don't know why. I'm rattled, I guess from the craziness of coming and going from Narnia, and me kissing Caspian and then him showing up on the platform. But truthfully, it goes deeper than that. I feel different, and I realize I don't want to retort with something. I don't want to say anything back to him, because I don't have the energy any more. I'm too tired – tired of everything.

There's a short silence when everyone looks at me. "Why are you all staring at me?" I snap, my voice cracking. "Stop wasting time! We have to figure out what we're going to do! It's not like he can stay here very long!" I blink rapidly.

"That's right," Lucy says, frowning. "It is a problem. How are we going to get him back? I don't think we know a way… except maybe the wardrobe?" She looks at the three of us questioningly, and Peter sighs deeply.

"Getting him back isn't the only problem we have on our hands," he says darkly, but before they can ask him what else could possibly be wrong, he keeps talking.

"Caspian's in a London train station. He has no idea how anything works in this world. For all he knows everyone is his enemy. I'm not saying he's going to start fighting people in the street, but if the police start asking questions, he's not going to just sit there. Caspian's a Telmarine. If he's brought the sword we're in real trouble. What we need to do is get off this train, find him, and return him to Narnia, whatever it takes. Agreed?"

"Agreed," we all respond, and after a few minutes, we arrive at the next station, where we all troop off the train without a word and find an empty spot where we can talk without being interrupted.

"What will happen when they find out we're not at school?" Lucy asks. Honestly, school is the last thing on my mind right now, but I can tell the question has been worrying her.

"Nothing near as bad as when they find out Caspian's not in Narnia," Peter says. I'm sure he's looking at me, and I really don't know why. "Why are you looking at me like that," I start to ask, but Lucy interrupts me, talking slowly, obviously working something out aloud.

"Because… because he's here, which means he's not in Narnia. And he's the king, so that's a bad thing, because now they don't have a king. So they're all probably really confused down there-" I'm starting to get a very bad feeling in my chest."-and since Narnian time flows differently than ours…" her voice finally trails off as she realizes what she's just said. Her eyes widen as her gaze jumps around to each of our faces.

Edmund finishes for her. "It means that probably ten years – or more, we don't really know, I suppose – has passed there already. He was the only thing that could have held the peace together… what will happen to our Narnia now?"

There is a small silence as we all stare at each other, each of us silently dreaming up horrors that could be happening to Narnia. The war we had just finished fighting had been deadly enough. If they had undergone another, taking place so soon after the previous…

Would there be a Narnia to go back to, after this? From the fear on the other's faces, I can tell they believe this is a very possible, even probable situation. The Telmarines aren't exactly known for their patience – or their peacekeeping skills.

"Good job, Susan," says Edmund, sounding thoroughly annoyed. "This is all your fault."

"What," I ask, honestly confused, and startled out of my thoughts. "What's my fault?"

"You're a _queen _of _Narnia_," he snaps at me. "And now, because of your rash action you've destroyed it!"

"What?" I'm astonished. "What are you talking about, Edmund? What have I done?"

"You're the one who kissed Caspian!" shouts Peter. I recoil from him like I've been slapped. Somehow, I hadn't expected that he would yell at me. Tears fill my eyes, and I turn away so he won't see. "I didn't ask him to come after me," I say. "Believe me, it would be so much easier if he hadn't!"

"Easier for who?" Peter asks me, challenging me. "For you? Because that's all you ever think about, isn't it, yourself?"

"YES!" I shout out, making them jump. "Yes! That's exactly it! For once I wasn't thinking about Narnia, or the three of you, or how we were going to survive through the next few hours, or anything! I was thinking about how much I'm in love with Caspian, and about how I was never going to see him again, and for once, _for once_ in my life I decided to take a chance, and I kissed him for the first and the last time in my life, and I'm so sad and tense and upset I feel like I'm breaking apart, and all the three of you can do is yell and blame me, JUST LIKE ALWAYS!" I end on a shriek, all of my feelings pouring out unstoppably, and then I just bury my face in my hands and let go and cry and cry and cry.

After awhile I become aware of a small hand rubbing my back gently up and down. "Don't cry, Susan," Lucy says, over and over. "It's ok, Susan, don't cry. We'll find him, I promise."

"It's not the finding him that's the issue, it's him leaving forever all over again that's the problem," I say between sniffs. Finally I raise my head and look around. The boys are nowhere in sight. "Where did they go?"

"To buy tickets back to the other station. Hopefully Caspian hasn't gone anywhere. You cried for a long time," and something in her tone makes me look down. Her face is worried, and I feel bad. I must have scared her, because Lucy never looks like that. Almost as though she's afraid…

Incredibly, my big sister instincts kick in. "Come on," I say briskly, standing up and brushing the wrinkles out of my clothes, ignoring the slight trembling of my fingers. "Let's go find them. Then we'll be able to get Caspian-" my voice cracks on his name, but I ignore it and keep talking "-and fix this mess." I wipe my eyes and cheeks, smooth my hair, and put a smile on my face.

Lucy looks even more worried than before. "Susan… maybe you should… stay here?" Her voice goes up at the end of the sentence, making it a question.

"Stay here? Don't be ridiculous. Why would I stay here?" I try to make my voice light and cheerful. "You need me. Let's go." Without waiting for a response I walk as quickly as I can towards the exit.

Lucy runs after me. "Susan, you don't understand. The boys want you to stay here." Then she bites her lip, as though she's said something she shouldn't have.

Anger flares up inside me once again. "You say I don't understand? No. I understand. I understand that Narnia's probably destroyed, because somehow I tricked Caspian into coming after me, even though it was really his decision, not that it matters. I understand that I have to fix this and somehow convince him to go back, even though all I want is for us to be together. I understand that you three probably hate me, and Aslan too, and I understand that even though that's not completely rational, it's justified and I almost agree with you. What more is there to understand?" By the end of the tirade, by voice is bitter, and there are tears forming in my eyes once again.

Lucy looks taken aback, then hurt. "Sorry. It was just a suggestion," she mutters, turning away. I know I should feel badly that I've said these things, but I just can't find it within me right now. Blinking hard, I try to figure out what to do next. I'm saved that decision by the boys' return. Now with a plan of action, Peter and Edmund are much calmer. Peter has what the three of us call his "Battle Face" on, a calculating mask that reminds me once again how much he has changed in one year – or twenty, depending on how you count them.

"Susan, are you alright?" Edmund asks me. "I'm sorry we got upset. That wasn't fair."

"I'm fine," I say stiffly. I'm not quite ready to forgive them yet. "What's the plan?"

"We go back to the station, and get Caspian. Once we have him, we go to the Professor's house and send him through the wardrobe. It's the only way we know of to get to Narnia."

That sounds fine to me. We can explain everything, the two of us will spend every instant we can together, and then, when we feel like it's time, he can go home.

"But," Edmund continues, shattering my plans quite effectively "we have to move as fast as possible, and most importantly, we can't tell him what we're doing."

That makes me blink. "We can't tell him we're sending him home? Why not?"

Peter and Edmund look at each other. But it's Lucy who speaks. "From what the Professor said after we came back the first time, it seems like you can only get to Narnia that way if you don't know you're going and you're not looking for it, and you've never been that way before."

My head hurts. I reach up and rub my forehead, trying to think past the throbbing there. "So hold on. We're basically going to drag him off to some place he doesn't know, blindfold him, and push him through the wardrobe?"

"I guess you could put it that way, but it doesn't have to be literally like that." Edmund says. "We don't have to manhandle him back to Narnia."

"But Lucy's right, we can't tell him what we're doing. Otherwise he'll be looking for it, and when you look for Narnia, you can't find it. He'd never get back." Peter explains.

"But that's not fair!" I exclaim. "What if he doesn't want to go back?" Instantly I bite my tongue, wishing I hadn't spoken.

Peter's gaze is steely. "He has to go back – it's where he belongs. And even if he doesn't want to go back, it doesn't matter. He's the king of Narnia now, or he will be as soon as he gets back, and that's what's most important here."

I stare at their faces, unforgiving, closed. "But you're all forgetting the most important thing! We don't know how much time has passed. And what if there was a war, and everything got destroyed. _What are we sending him back to?_" My breath is heaving by this point, and my head is really hurting now.

Lucy and Edmund both look upset, but Peter's face doesn't change. "That's his own fault," he says quietly. "He shouldn't have come after us."

_"What if he dies!"_ I shriek at him, afraid of how closed his face is. Peter starts to answer, but thinks better of it when he sees my wild eyes. I don't even want to know what he's thinking.

"We need to get going," Edmund says firmly, interrupting our little arguement. "Every moment we waste here is another moment in which something else could go wrong. Since we currently have no other plan, we need to get Caspian, and take him to the Professor. We can ask him for help – he'll know what to do. But the train is coming now" –we could all hear it– "so let's get on it and go."

Silently, we all file out of the station, off on the beginning of our second mission to rescue Caspian.

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Reviews are much loved!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **I still own nothing and am making no profit from this story.

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"What are we going to do if he isn't there?" Lucy finally breaks the silence as the train begins slowing, approaching the station where we last saw Caspian.

I roll my eyes. "Lucy, do think that Caspian would wander around London trying to find us? He saw me on the train and he knows I saw him; he'll know we're coming back for him."

"Caspian doesn't know what it's like in London," Lucy points out. "He'll probably go up to someone, ask if they've seen 'The Kings and Queens of Old' and end up getting dragged off to the police station."

"Caspian isn't stupid," I snap. "We've already had this discussion. He's not going to run around stabbing people, trying to rescue Queen Susan, or something-"

"Don't flatter yourself, Susan," Edmund interrupts, sounding haughty, but I can see him smile and I know he's kidding. "Everyone knows he only came to give me back my flashlight." Peter rolls his eyes.

I open my mouth to respond, but at that exact moment, the train lurches to a stop and the doors slide open. Suddenly dry, my mouth closes. I can't help it. What if Caspian isn't there after all? What if he left, trying to chase after us – after me?

As soon as we step off the train, however, my fears and doubts disappear in an instant. Caspian is sitting on a bench, the same bench we had been sitting on before it happened, and the moment I step off the train our eyes lock.

Caspian stands up, and I take a few steps toward him, but stop, unsure. "Caspian…" my voice trails away as I stare at him. I want to run into his arms, but I'm painfully aware of my brothers and sister right behind me. Everything I want to say, I can't say in front of them.

"I could not stay away. I had to see you again. We must talk," Caspian says, in his wonderful accent that sends shivers down my spine.

"Hold on." Peter's voice is firm. "We do need to talk, but not about what you're thinking about, Caspian. We need to talk about what you just did to Narnia – your kingdom, and mine."

_Ouch_, I think. That hurts. I can see the confusion in Caspian's face. "What do you mean?"

"You're here, which means that you've left Narnia. No one is there to rule in your absence; Narnia is kingless at a turning point in its history!"

"It's not kingless! What are you talking about? Aslan is Narnia's rightful king. He will watch over it while I am gone. My people will wait for me. I know this."

Peter looks like wants to bang his head against the wall. "Caspian, you don't get it," he says, his voice too patient. "Aslan does what he wants, and he's always watching over Narnia from afar. But he needs people, good people, to govern in the here and now. Which is what you're for."

Caspian still looks confused. "But I will only be gone for a few days. Surely nothing too bad can happen in a few days' time."

"A few days?" echoes Edmund, looking confused. "But it's probably been years by now."

He doesn't understand. "Caspian," I say, and his eyes immediately snap to my face. I ignore the way blood rushes to my cheeks and continue to speak. "Time flows differently here than in Narnia. For instance, what seemed like a year to us was actually one thousand and three hundred years of time in Narnia. So what seems like about an hour now could be, oh, one hundred years, let's say."

There's a short pause, then Caspian says, his voice soft, "I did not know." My heart goes out to him. He sounds so vulnerable. But there was no way for him to have known about the time difference. It's not his fault.

"No, of course you didn't know," snaps Peter. "You just acted totally without thinking, like you did in the castle, like you always do, and now everything is ruined. Again."

"Hold on!" Caspian's voice is angry, reminding me of the other time he yelled at Peter like this. It upsets me, and I want to leap between them and make them stop. But before I can, Caspian continues. His voice has changed from an angry yell to hard and cold. "I had no way of knowing what would happen. And I plan to go back to Narnia and continue to rule it as its rightful king – unlike you four did, when you abandoned us _thirteen hundred year ago_."

Peter recoils as though he's been slapped. "_That was different_." Even I'm taken aback by Caspian's words. I had no idea he felt that way about our absence.

"Stop it!" Just like in Narnia the last time these two fought, it's Lucy who breaks up the fight. "This isn't going to help!"

Peter takes several deep breaths. "Lucy's right. Caspian, now that you're here, we're just going to have to deal with it. Come on – we need to find somewhere to stay for the night."

"Why?" asks Edmund. "Can't we just go on and head up to see the Pro_mgphgh_?" His words are cut off because I've covered his mouth with my hand. "Shh!" Peter shoots him a look like a dagger, and I know Edmund realizes his mistake. I remove my hand and wipe it on my skirt. Edmund shoots me a glare, which I ignore.

"Susan." Caspian's voice makes me look up. He's looking at me with gentle eyes that make my insides feel like they're melting. "You will tell me the truth. What's going on here?"

His words slam home. He trusts me. _You will tell me the truth_. But I can't. I will betray him, because I have no choice, and that makes me feel like I can't breathe.

Somehow, my voice sounds upbeat and cheerful. "Since you're here, we're going to show you somewhere very special to us. We're going to stay overnight here in a hotel, and then as soon as we contact a friend of ours we're going out to see him in his country house." I smile at Caspian. "Sound OK?"

He looks at me for a minute, and I'm worried he saw through my façade, but then he smiles. "Whatever you want."

Edmund groans. "Can we just get going? Please? I can't take this anymore."

"Yes, let's go." Peter leads the way out of the underground and we all follow. Caspian takes my hand, and a thrill runs down my spine, followed immediately by a shiver of sadness. But I don't let go of his hand.

* * *

We've been at the professor's house for two days now. As soon as the boys and Lucy explained our predicament, he promised to help us send Caspian home. I still can't believe that today is the day. The last day I ever have to spend with Caspian. After today, I will never see him again.

As I lie in my bed and wait for the sun to rise, I think back over the past three days, trying to remember every moment. They have been like heaven.

Caspian and I have spent every single minute together. Talking, walking, laughing, sharing stories and secrets. The other three have been talking quietly inside together most of the time, but after the first failed attempt they've made no move to include either one of us. I don't mind. I'd much rather spend the time with Caspian. It's all we'll ever have.

My mind replays our kissed and caresses. His lips are softer than I had ever imagined they would be. He tastes cool and sweet, but passionate at the same time. He sets a fire in me that I don't believe anyone will ever be able to rekindle. He is my first love and my only true one. I'm giving him up forever today for the greater good, and I hate the world more now than I ever have before.

I don't want to dwell on my anger now; I just want to think of Caspian. I know more about him than I ever thought I would, and every second I'm with him I fall a little more in love. He's such a strong person. He told me all about his growing up, and his uncle, and then about how he was able to separate his thoughts and beliefs from his uncle's. He's the strongest person I know. I will remember our talks for the rest of my life. In these past three days we've practically shared our souls with each other, and the talking has been wonderful. I know him almost better than I know myself now.

But my favorite things about him are all the little things. How while he talks to me, he stares deep into my eyes to make sure I'm listening and I understand. How he runs his fingers through my dark hair, and plays with it constantly. How he looks at me like I'm the whole world to him and I'm all he'll ever need. I want so much for that to be true.

All too soon, I hear Lucy stirring beside me. "Are you awake?" She asks me.

"I am now," I say, knowing it sounds mean but in the light of what's coming today, not really caring. Lucy ignores my comment in lieu of the knock on the door, which she answers. As we both knew it would be, it's the boys. They come in and shut the door.

"Now, are we all clear on the plan?" Peter asks. "We're going to tell Caspian that in this world, it's a great tradition that we play the game of hide and seek with partners when we have a guest. You'll be his partner, Susan. You have to hide in the room with the wardrobe, he has to go inside it and return to Narnia without knowing what he's doing, and he has to go back _without_ you. Is that clear?"

"As crystal," I say, my voice bitterly sweet. "Are we done?"

Peter looks at me for a minute, then turns away. "Yes. I want you both up, dressed and ready to go in fifteen minutes," he calls back as he exits. "Coming, Ed?"

"Susan, are you alright?" Edmund asks me. "Your face is pale. You're crying."

"Oh, what do you care," I ask bitterly, turning away from him. "Nobody even asked my opinion on this plan, you just told me what to do! Never mind that it's going to break my heart, and Caspian's too. Never mind that Susan has to lose something else that she loves, because it's for the good of everybody else. Never mind that Susan will be lonely for the rest of her little life, if your precious Narnia is saved."

"But Susan," Lucy says, "I thought you love Narnia."

"I loved Narnia," I say without thinking, "before it took my life away from me. All I want now is for everything to be as though Narnia had never happened."

There is a silence. Then Edmund says quietly, "Well, after today, that'll be true. Cm'on, Peter." And they leave.

I bury my head in my pillow. Lucy's hand drops onto my shoulder, and I yell, "Go away!" My voice is muffled by the pillow and my tears.

"Susan, we want to help you. But we can't do that if you keep shutting us out." Lucy tells me.

"I don't want your help," I say, finally raising my tear-stained face to look at her. "I just want Caspian."

Lucy's face hardens. "Well, you can't have him," she says harshly. "So get your act together and accept that fact. Stop being so selfish. You're going to save hundreds of people's lives by sending him home. Why don't you think about that for a change. Climb down off your high horse, Susan. You're doing the right thing that has to be done and that's what's important." She turns and walks away, slamming the door behind her.

If I were in a better state of mind, I would have noticed how much Lucy has grown up in the past few months, especially after our last trip to Narnia. But as it is, I can't think about anything but how I don't want anything to change. These past few days with Caspian and no responsibilities have been like heaven to me. Knowing that it all ends today is like hell.

I think back to what Lucy said – that I'm going to be helping so many people by this one small act, and what is the loss of my happiness compared to so many other's gain? But I never liked this part of being queen, the part where have you sacrifice yourself for your people. These people aren't even mine, they're Caspian's! "I don't want to save hundreds of people's lives," I whisper. "I just want to live happily ever after." But what I know now more than ever is one simple fact: I can't.

* * *

Once dressed, I wander outside and end up under the tree where Caspian and I have been sitting together for the past few days. I know the plan, but I still don't know if I'm going to be able to carry it out.

Before I can figure out what I'm going to do, I hear a voice. "Susan!" My head snaps around, and I see Caspian striding across the grass towards me. As it always does, my heart swells when I see him and I catch my breath at his beauty.

He reaches me and lowers himself onto the ground with all the regality of a prince – of a king, really. He takes my hand in one of his and holds it gently. With the other, he starts playing with my hair. The simple action sends shivers down my spine. I can't take this, the loving touch he selflessly gives me makes me feel sickened when I know I'm about to betray him.

I jump to my feet. "Let's go inside." I shade my eyes from the sun as I look down at him. He looks confused.

"Why?"

"Oh, no real reason, I just feel like it. Let's go find the others. I feel kind of bad that we haven't spent any time with them." Realizing I'm talking too much and too fast, I turn around and begin walking quickly towards the large front doors.

I hear Caspian clamber to his feet, then run after me. "Susan, if you wanted to spend time with your family this week, you could have just told me."

"I know," I say, not turning around.

"Susan." He puts his hand on my arm and spins me around to face him, forcing me to stop walking. "Something's wrong. You're not acting like yourself. Tell me, what's going on?"

"Nothing's wrong," I mumble almost inaudibly, staring at the floor.

Caspian snorts. "That's not likely." His tone is so patronizing, like he knows me so well – but he doesn't, even after this week. Nobody knows me but myself, and I'm not about to let anybody forget that, even Caspian.

I snap my head up. I've just about had it – with everybody and everything – and for some reason I'm taking it out on my lover. Maybe it will make later today easier. Although I doubt it, I might as well give it a try. "Nothing is wrong!" I yell, jerking my arm out of his grasp and rubbing it. "Ouch! That hurt. Keep your hands off me, and stop acting like you know me so well, because you don't. Will you just leave me alone?" The words don't exactly make sense, but their meaning is clear enough. Caspian steps back and puts his hands up just as Edmund comes running up.

"I heard you yelling. What's wrong?" He asks.

"Nothing's wrong!" I screech. "Will everybody just stop asking me that! Isn't it obvious that everything's fine?"

"No," says Edmund simply. "It's not."

"Susan isn't acting like herself. She's nervous and upset about something, and she won't tell me what it is." Caspian tries to explain. Edmund, of course, knows immediately what I'm nervous and upset about. He shoots me a look while Caspian's looking at him.

"I'm not upset," I say, keeping my voice even and soft with effort. "I just don't feel well."

Caspian is, of course, very concerned. "So you yell at people you love when you don't feel well."

"I-" I don't really know what to say. It's the first, and probably only, time that Caspian has acknowledged our relationship in the open easily like that, and it's left me momentarily speechless. "I – my stomach hurts." It's not entirely a lie, either. I do feel nauseous about the role I'm about to play.

Caspian is unmoved. "Susan, don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying! My stomach does hurt, a lot, and it's making me short tempered." I soften my voice. "Please, Caspian, I don't want to fight. Not now, so close to…"

"So close to what?"

"Never mind."

"What's going on?" asks Peter, coming out of an adjoining hallway, Lucy a few steps behind him. "Is everything OK?"

"Yes," Edmund and I say, at the exact same time that Caspian says, "No."

Peter looks from one of us to the other in confusion, then decides to let it slide. What's coming up is too important to miss. We have to be at school tomorrow, and leave tonight, so today is our only chance to send Caspian back. We can't afford to mess this up. "Is anyone up for a game of hide-and-seek?" Peter asks, raising his eyebrows at me.

"Oooo!" squeals Lucy, a little overenthusiastically. "Me!"

Edmund groans loudly, but agrees, all according to the plan.

"I'll play," I say. "Caspian?"

"What is hide and seek?" he asks stiffly. Apparently he hasn't forgiven me yet.

"Everyone hides, except for one person who finds everyone. The last person found gets to seek the next time."

"I still don't understand."

I can't believe how perfectly this is going. It's as if he knows our script. "Then you can hide with me for the first time, and I'll explain it all there. OK?" Without waiting for an answer, I turn to Peter. "You count." Then I grab Caspian's hand and wait for Peter to begin.

"100. 99. 98. 97." He counts. I pull Caspian into a hallway. Lucy and Edmund also run off to hide, although I know they're really going to circle back and join Peter.

"You feel better, then?" Caspian asks me as I pull him through the halls.

"Yes," I answer, "but not as good as I'm going to feel in a minute." Then, as we round a corner, I see it. The door into the room with the Wardrobe. Peter has left it ajar.

"In here!" I say, opening the door and pulling him inside. He shuts the door behind us and turns around.

"What's under that?" He asks, as we all hoped he would, pointing at the sheet-covered wardrobe.

"I don't know," I answer, making an attempt to sound curious, although my palms are sweaty and my heart racing now that the moment is almost here. "Let's find out."

We pull the sheet off with a great sweeping motion, and the Wardrobe is revealed in all its glory. However, I can't help but loathe the sight of it.

"What's inside?" Caspian asks, reaching for the door handle.

"Wait!" The cry bursts from my lips. He can't just go now, without even saying goodbye to me!

He looks at me in confusion. "You can come with me, Susan." He holds out his hand.

I look at it for a minute, sorely tempted to take it and jump with him back into a world where we can stay together, but I push the feeling down slowly. Then, as I look up into his eyes, I lose all control and launch myself at him and into his arms, kissing him as hard as I can.

He is surprised, for good reason, but quickly gets a handle on the situation. I'm kissing him harder than I've ever kissed him before, and tears are streaming down my face. He pulls back slightly. "Susan- what?"

"Please," I whisper, "please just kiss me. Just this once, as passionately as you've ever wanted to."

"But—"

"Please!" I can't bear it. Shutting my eyes, I just know he's going to say no. But then, all of a sudden, his mouth is on mine and I lose all sense of time, space, direction, everything.

I can feel his breath mingling with mine, and my whole body feels like it's on fire. Then his mouth is tracing its way down my neck, exploring my face and hair. His hands run up and down my back, and then slide up under my shirt, untucking it. His hands on my bare skin feel like they're burning.

I realize I'm touching him too, that his shirt is somehow on the floor and I'm touching his bare chest all over. Then he pulls away, ripping my heart in two as he does.

"We should stop," he murmurs against my hair. If they come seeking in here for us and see this, I think Peter will kill me."

I laugh shakily. "Yeah, I guess so." He pulls away, and I feel cold, ice cold without him against me.

He starts to put his shirt back on, but I stop him. I need something of his to remind me of him, and this shirt is all I've got. "Leave it off, please."

He looks at me strangely for a minute. "Do you really think that's a good idea?"

"Just please leave it off, Caspian."

"If you insist, Susan. Do you feel better now?"

"Yes," I answer hopelessly. I can never tell him how I really feel at this moment. I turn away from him and squeeze my eyes shut. "I'm scared to go in the dark. Will you look and see what's in the wardrobe? Make sure you look through the whole thing, so that there's nothing scary in there. It's a good hiding place for you."

"Susan, I'm sure that there's nothing bad in that wardrobe. Won't you just come in with me?"

"No! Please, just look in there. For me, Caspian, won't you do it?"

"Of course. Won't you come with me to hide, though? They're going to be looking for us soon, right?" He looks bemused. I can't blame him.

"I don't think that's a good idea," I tell him, and he smiles wryly.

"Probably not. It would not look good if we were both found inside the wardrobe looking as we do. "Another time, then." Caspian opens the door. My thoughts catch up with his words, and I gasp silently. Does he really mean what I think he means? But before I can ask him, he steps inside and pulls the door closed behind him.

And that's it. Finally, after these days of dreaming and wishing and thinking and crying over what could have been, it's over. As far as I know, Caspian's not coming out of there. I'll never have the chance to ask him anything I wanted to, never have the time together that he was talking about. Never, never, never.

And then I can't help it anymore. I scream his name, not caring anymore about who hears me, about whether he comes out of the wardrobe and dooms Narnia for eternity. All I can think about is that I sent my love away and I want him back _right now_.

"_CASPIAN!"_ I scream as loudly as I can. My voice cracks and breaks, and the door bangs open behind me. Peter, Edmund, and Lucy come running in.

Peter grabs me by my shoulders. "What is it? What's happened?"

"He… He…" I'm crying harder than I've ever cried in my life. I didn't think it was possible to cry this hard. I literally cannot breathe. I manage to gesture wildly in the direction of the wardrobe.

Peter strides over to it, and yanks the door open. He sticks his head inside and yells, "Caspian? Are you in there?"

I hold my breath, my tears even pausing as a fleeting hope fills my heart. This is the moment. If Caspian comes out, we will be together forever. If he doesn't…

"Caspian?" Peter steps into the wardrobe. Edmund follows him. Lucy comes over to me, and puts her arms around me. I stand still, unknowing of how to respond to this gesture. It feels so alien, even though I know it's my little sister.

Peter and Edmund reappear from inside the wardrobe. As I wait, now feeling dizzy from lack of oxygen, they open the door wide, to show that there is no one inside.

And that's when my heart cracks in two. I hear Edmund, Lucy, and Peter talking as though from far away, double checking the space to make sure that there's no one inside. I see, through blurred vision – so the tears have returned – them walking around, feeling over the walls as though that will clue them in to its secrets.

Then Edmund notices me. "Susan, what's wrong?" He asks with concern, walking over to stand beside me and put his arm around my shoulders.

I don't answer, I just look at him dimly. I can't think anymore. Before I fall, I remember the only think I have left to hold on to, and I reach down out of Edmund's arm and grab it off the floor and that's when my head hits the wood and everything goes, mercifully, black.

* * *

Please review!


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **I still own nothing and am making no money.

* * *

"When is she going to wake up?" Lucy's voice whispers, finally breaking through the oblivion that has encompassed me for who knows how long.

"Now," I say, opening my eyes. "What's going on? Where am I?"

They all three stare at me, and I start to get a bad feeling. What is so terrible that it doesn't even have them teasing me for fainting?

Then I notice someone else. "Professor? What are you doing here?"

He looks at me gravely, an expression I've hardly ever seen on his face. "As I am something of an expert on Narnia, Susan, your family thought it might be best for me to be here when you woke up.

Narnia. The Wardrobe. Caspian. Oh, _Caspian_. Memory floods back, nearly crushing me with its weight.

My hands scramble around the bed, feeling desperately. Lucy holds up a piece of fabric. "Are you looking for this?"

Caspian's shirt. I reach forward, yank it out of her hand, and bury my face in it. It still smells like him.

Hands touch me, hugging me, but I don't respond. I don't need comfort, I don't want touch, I just need to be alone.

"Susan, maybe we should talk-" Peter begins.

"No." I cut him off. "Leave me alone."

"But Susan-"

I raise my head from the shirt, determined to end this once and for all. It's already over, anyway. "No. Go away. All of you, go away. This is all your fault, but it's done now, and nothing you say or do will change things. As far as talking about things goes, this never happened. Understand? It never happened. End of story. Now leave me alone." Speech finished, my face returns to the shirt.

After a minute's pause, I hear them all get up and leave, and I wait for the tears to come. But they don't. I feel like I'm living in a dream, one from which I can't wake up no matter how hard I try.

_Caspian_. Memories flood me. Seeing him for the first time, watching him and Peter fight and nearly kill each other, before Lucy stepped in…

Fighting in Miraz's palace, him running off to confront his uncle and save his tutor, and me being so afraid, for our army, yes, but even more so for him. Knowing why and being powerless to fight the feeling…

The first time I hinted at my feelings, when Lucy and I were riding into the woods. He tried to give me my horn, but I refused… and then how he came flying in to rescue me. Riding on a horse with him, feeling him pressed so close, and how giddy I felt, like a little schoolgirl…

And then all the bad memories, all the painful and sad memories, swarm in and eclipse the good ones tenfold. Losing him… knowing that I'll never see him again, the pain of that knowledge… for a few moments, my head spins. I never thought that something like this could hurt so much. I don't know how long I sit there, silent and unmoving, holding his shirt to my chest.

But damnit, I'm a queen and I'm going to act like one. I'm an adult now. I sit up and take a deep breath, then change my clothes. I put the shirt in my things and go downstairs, locking Caspian away in my luggage. I even manage to smile at everyone. "Ready for school?"

My siblings look at me like I'm nuts, and I sort of feel that way myself. But moving and talking and smiling is making the pain and the memories recede a little, and the relief from that is overwhelming. And in that moment, I want to forget. To let of all the pain, because I can't see how it's worth it to hold on to that. Maybe I was right about what I said earlier. "This all never happened, understand?"

* * *

And over the years, it gradually becomes that way. It never happened. By pushing all thoughts of Narnia, Caspian, and everything connected with them out of my mind, and with my siblings honoring my demand to not speak of it, I make myself forget. I don't really know how it happens, but eventually I don't remember anything from Narnia, Caspian included. It all fades away, and I live my life normally, as though all of that never happened.

But sometimes late at night, when I'm falling asleep, or in the morning when I'm barely awake, threads of thought and memory taunt me, always remaining just out of reach. I can sense that they're important, vitally so, but I can never quite grasp what they are.

And during the long days, days that all seem the same, I have a strange, empty, sad feeling all the time in the chest, as though a part of me is missing, but I don't know why, and eventually I just learn to ignore it.

And there's a shirt, a man's shirt made out of some strange material that I can't find in any store in London. I don't know whose it is, where it came from, or even why I have it, but I can't get rid of it. Every time I convince myself to throw it away, when I pick it up and smell the strange, overpowering and yet familiar scent that it's had for all these years, all thoughts of getting rid of it just fly away and tears come to my eyes, but for what reason I don't know. At any rate, I still have it.

Sometimes my siblings try to talk to me about a strange place. They say we went there once, and had many adventures. The memory of the place hurts me, so I refuse to think about it. I laugh it off, asking them teasingly if they still play those games we had as children. And with each laugh of mine, their faces get darker and sadder. Once Peter even yelled at me, but when I, for reasons unknown to me, I burst into tears, he apologized and they dropped the subject.

Eventually, one day about ten years later, my family convinced me to go on a trip with them. I don't often spend time with my brothers and sister, because when I'm with them, the sad, achy feeling becomes so acute that I can hardly bear it. But for some reason, this time I've agreed to go with them.

"Peter," I say now, working away on something for my job while the train rattles beneath us, "where are we going, exactly?"

There's a pause, and he looks at Edmund and Lucy, who look back at him. All three seem nervous.

"Well," Ed begins finally, but just as he starts speaking there's a horrible screeching sound coming from the train. I leap to my feet, reaching over my shoulder as if for an arrow to fire – but that's absurd, I can't shoot a bow! – and I open my mouth to cry out, "What's happening?"

Before I can speak, there's a loud crash of metal, and this time, true oblivion overtakes all of us.

* * *

When I wake up, I don't know where I am. I can hear birds chirping, and feel warm sun on my face, and cool grass beneath me. The grass will stain my clothes, I think to myself, so I open my eyes and sit up.

And gaze around me in wonder.

It's a paradise. The trees are taller and more majestic than I've ever seen, the sky bluer, the grass greener, the sun yellower, than anywhere on earth. A brook babbles a short distance away, and I turn to see the clear water running joyfully along. Birds chase each other through the sky. The sun that filters through the tree leaves makes the light look green, almost heavenly.

As surely as I know my name, I know this place is not on Earth. But where can it be, I ask myself. The only place I've ever been besides Earth is Narnia.

Oh. My. Heavens. Narnia. _Narnia_.

I speak the name, hearing it, tasting it, drinking in its glory. But even as I speak, I know that this place is not Narnia. It feels different, smells different, looks different. The joy that had momentarily overtaken me recedes, and but my usual feelings of loneliness don't return fully. I should be panicking – I'm alone, in a strange place – but I'm not. I'm calmer than I've ever been in my life.

I stay seated and look around me. Memories are trickling in, things I have not thought of in ten years returning to me. I remember everything, even Caspian, but somehow the memories no longer hurt. This place is above hurt, above pain, above fear, above everything like that. But it's not Narnia. I stand, looking toward the bright sun.

"This is not the Narnia you knew," says a voice that I once thought I'd never forget. "But it is indeed Narnia still."

I want to turn slowly, but my body whips around. And there he is, standing in all his glory.

"I would be angry with you for forgetting me, but Aslan has explained it all to me," he says, stepping closer. "Because you loved me, although you did not remember, you were brought here when the trains crashed and you died. Yes, Susan, your body is dead," he adds, seeing my expression, "but _you _are more alive than you have ever been before."

"And my family?" I ask. Suddenly, they are very important to me. How could I have forgotten how much they mean to me, how much I love them?

"They're all here too," he promises, stepping closer still.

"Caspian," I say, "I'm sorry."

"I'm not," he says, startling me. "Well, I was at first – and very angry, too, I might add, but you did the right thing. I never would have been so strong, Susan. We both did our duty as we were bid, but now, we are free."

"Caspian, I wasn't that good," I tell him, wanting him to know everything. "I didn't want to do it. I was mean to my brothers and sister, and to you. I was a terrible person. How can you forgive me after that?"

"Yes, Susan, you were a terrible person," he says gently but matter-of-factly. "But you regret it, and you have asked for forgiveness. That's all behind us now. This place is above all of that. The only thing that matters now is that we're all here together at last." He takes my hand in his.

I process this for a minute, watching his thumb rub circles against my palm, then raise my eyes to his.

"Caspian. I understand completely if you don't, and I don't blame you at all if your answer to this question is no. But I have to know for sure, one way or the other. Do you still love me?" I hold my breath for his answer.

Before he can speak, I hear my name shouted. "Susan!" It's Lucy, running up the hill to us, waving frantically. Peter and Edmund are right behind her, as well as our parents.

"Lucy!" I shriek in joy. Caspian drops my hand, and I turn and run towards my sister. We hug so tightly I'm afraid I'll crush her, but Lucy is strong. "Oh Susan, I'm so glad you're back."

"Me, too," I say, and look about. The clearing has filled up now. I see Mr. Tumnas, the Beavers, the centaurs and all the others who fought for Narnia. I see the DLF, the Badger, Caspian's tutor, and so many others whom I know and love. My heart swells at the sight of them. How, _how_ could I have forgotten?

"Susan." The deep voice of Aslan makes me solemn. I turn towards him, but I don't have the courage to look at him. Instead, I look at the ground. The clearing has grown silent.

He doesn't say anything, and after a few minutes I can't stand it anymore. "Aslan, I'm so sorry. I did terrible, terrible things and I don't know how they can possibly be forgiven. I wish more than anything I could take them back, but I can't. Even though I don't deserve it… Will you forgive me?"

There is a moment's pause, and then I feel something cool and sweet blow over me. It lasts for a long time. When it finally ends, I feel refreshed beyond anything I have ever felt before. For the first time, I raise my eyes to his and smile. Aslan smiles in return.

"Susan, you are forgiven. Welcome home." He puts his great paw on my shoulder for a moment, and what feels like a current runs through me, warming me from the inside out. Then he turns and walks to Lucy, who cries out with joy and throws her arms around him. This is the cue for everyone else to begin talking again, which they do, all over the clearing.

Aslan's words are spinning in my mind, but a tap on my shoulder reminds me that Caspian still needs to answer my question. I turn back to him, about to apologize or explain, but then realize that I don't need to. He understands, I can see it in his eyes. He is happy for me, and in that happiness, I am joyous.

"Oh, Susan," he says, smiling. "Of course I love you." I'm about to say something, but I change my mind. Instead, just as I did ten years ago before I walked through the trees, I fling my arms around Prince Caspian and kiss him. And in that moment, I realize that Aslan's words are true. I'm finally forgiven and free. And because of that, I'm home.

* * *

**A/N: **Well, that's the last chapter! I hope you have all enjoyed the story. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, favorited, or read. This is the last time you'll get to tell me what you think, so review and let me know. Thanks!

FL7


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